New Business Model

A phone rang and Carly convulsed awake as if a hand had touched her shoulder from the back seat. She squinted and saw a BlackBerry chirping and buzzing on the console. She had lost her contact lenses. She was sitting in the passenger seat of a parked car on a deserted street she did not recognize. This was clearly a moment of reckoning.

The previous evening had been a mildly entertaining mix of clumsy, besotted frat boys. She found the whole affair refreshing compared to the normally staid assemblage of tight-assed, executive stiffs that were the norm for her. The climate of deregulation had been great for their business, which meant business had been good for her as well. But now her regulars had run afoul of their own clever schemes. Apparently everyone had to re-evaluate their business model in this economy. So she had abandoned the Gold Coast and arrived on the Greek scene in Evanston.

Thursday night at the Lambda Chi house had been quite lucrative. Free of the stress of the classes they hadn't dropped, the boys were free with their text-book refunds. She was about to call it a night when a couple pledges approached her. They only had twenty bucks between them, but all they wanted was to watch her suck on a jawbreaker for three or four minutes. She followed them to the kitchen and that was all she remembered.

She fumbled for her purse as a figure approached through the morning drizzle.

Seed words: afoul, arrive, rang, besotted, jawbreaker, deregulation, entertaining, reckoning, staid, stress

These words were generated on coyotecult.com.

Portrait of Bobby Sherman

Bobby Sherman sings Gordon Lightfoot? I'm sure that jackass's cover of "Wherefore and Why" seemed like a good idea back in nineteen-seventy-whatever-the-hell, but it sounds like a gahddam abnormality today. I'd rather pour a beaker of hydrochloric acid in my lap, but that might wreck the upholstery. I'm sure he was a fine enough chap, but for the love of God, can we please stop doing this to womankind? Well, idiotadolescentgirl kind, anyway. Trotting out vapid California pinheads and giving them a crash course in sensitivity and populist poetics? Shameful. Still, I've gotta admit, some of those young boys were so pretty back in the day, they even called out to me from the cover of Tiger Beat. But that doesn't mean I was gay. Lots of straight guys couldn't tell Bobby Sherman's flared ass from a honey-dew melon if you showed them the pictures real fast. If I could find the receipt for my childhood, I might just take it back and see if I could exchange it for a copy of Bobby Sherman's K-tel blockbuster "Portrait of Bobby Sherman." But that would mean I'd have to track down my childhood's original buyer, and I haven't spoken to that bitch in years. Seriously though, Bobby Sherman pointed the way to the future we are now so richly enjoying. A true visionary douche-bag. Thanks Bobby.

Seed words: wherefore, beaker, abnormality, chap, receipt, buyer, womankind, crash course, tiger, pointed

This one goes out to JoFu, but the words were generated on coyotecult.com because hes' too "busy" to think up 10 words.

Conceptual Physics

Ray focused on each polysyllable that tumbled from the mouth of his professor. His boyhood dream was to be a physicist, but now as he took off his glasses to follow the PowerPoint slides on the overhead, and then put them back on again to jot down some sketchy notes, he wondered if investing in that winery in Santz Cruz with his asshole brother-in-law might not have been such a bad idea after all. A 52 year old man looks distinguished on the cover of Wine Spectator; he looks a damn fool sitting in the sixth row in "Conceptual Physics: The Basic Science."

Not that he didn't find the notion that dynamic viscosity determines the dynamics of an incomprehensible Newtonian fluid riveting... or did she say "incompressible?" Whatever. His fitful attention to the lecture was officially in the "off" position. His alter ego, Dr. Raymond Savage, on his way to study the seismic activity of a recently identified volcano in the Sierra Nevadas, was now climbing his Beechcraft Staggerwing to a comfortable cruising altitude. Suddenly the altimeter began winding down rapidly. As the tiny plane hurtled toward certain annihilation, Dr. Savage had the wisdom to bail out. He parachuted down gently amongst a tribe of peaceful natives. He earned their admiration by singing moving a cappella versions of American rhythm-and-blues classics. He was offered the hand of their virgin princess and became their king.

"Ray, are you with us?" Ray snapped out of it and stared blankly at his professor. He looked around the room and wondered if he could get any of these kids interested in a house-painting business.

Seed words: polysyllable, viscosity, winery, physicist, altimeter, wisdom, fitful, rhythm and blues, alter ego, painting

These words were generated on coyotecult.com.

30-Year Refund

"I don't think those are returnable," Mark cautioned as his wife finished off an Arizona Iced Tea and went to chuck the can in with the pop bottles.

"Yes they are," Karen retorted without looking at him. "It's a new program. It runs concurrent with the regular bottle bill."

"Seriously? That's what you're going with? A mythical addendum to the bottle bill? You've really circled the bullshit wagons with that one, Karen."

"Well, look who mainlined some more highly-concentrated liquid cruelty this afternoon. You really don't need it Mark; your heart pumps plenty of it naturally."

"But it's no match for the little curlicues of stupidity seeping out of your brain. Oh sure, you might think she just came from the hairdresser..."

"I have to believe you have an ulterior life in which you aren't a complete and utter jackass."

"Yes, and in that world I haven't unlearned all reason and logic in order to follow your many derailed trains of thought."

"You? The man who had the wisdom to drain his 401k to invest in 'ponzi.com?' You, of all people, have had only the most casual of flirtations with reason."

"Clearly. How else would I end up married to you and your incessant quest for the world championship of ball-breaking? Don't walk away from me! Where are you going?"

"To find our marriage license. I'm just praying to God that it has a thirty-year cancellation and refund policy hidden in the fine print."

Seed words: returnable, concurrent, circled, mainline, curlicue, ulterior, unlearned, flirtation, incessant, cancellation

These words were generated using the random-word generator found at coyotecult.com.

The World of Milk

Darby gave his chocolate-chip cookie a dunk and wondered what it would be like to dive into his glass and explore the World of Milk. He could look at his world through a glass of water, but sure as February becomes March he couldn't see into the World of Milk. Of course, he couldn't see into a pumpkin either, but when Cinderella climbed into one it took her to the ball to meet Prince Charming. Now, Darby certainly didn't want to go to some corny dance, so he got himself a ticket on the Vitamin D Express.

In the World of Milk, when he breathed, milk never went up his nose, and it didn't come out it when he laughed. It seemed as though brackets held the butterscotch moon in the dark-chocolate sky, but really it's like a basketball floating in Hershey syrup. Darby leaped through hoops and gardens to catch a big chocolate bunny -- but he didn't eat it. That's just not done. He let it go and then he sank until he came to rest in the Cookie Crumb Wasteland.

Darby thought he could just make out the remains of the Shamrock Shipwreck when his mother told him to get his eyeballs out of the milk carton and shut the refrigerator door. It was madness she said, but he saluted King Don, the ding-dong dictator of the World of Milk and pledged to return after his family had gone to bed.

Seed words: basketball, March, madness, big, dance, Cinderella, ticket, hoops, brackets, dunk

These words were provided by M. Stillwago, in honor of the NCAA basketball tournament.

A Peculiar Fungus

Worry was Carol's hobby. Some people play ping pong or go on trips to visit the graves of dead historical figures. But Carol woke up every morning and began constructing mountains out of mole hills.

Today, she had to call in sick from work because she had noticed a peculiar fungus growing on the leaves of the little crabapple tree in front of her building. The original owners had planted a lovely garden in the tiny street-side plot, but now the place was owned by some British property management company that was letting it go to seed. And no one seemed to care.

She spent the morning at the library thumbing through too many horticultural guides, until she came across something called "Frogeye Leaf Spot." The little postules actually did look like frog's eyes. It was a colorful sort of fungus consisting of small, roundish brown spots with purple borders. She read that black pimple-like fungal-fruiting bodies may develop inside the lesions. That sounded ghastly to Carol and she despaired that the spaliated pear tree along the south side of the building might also be in danger.

She read in the University of Wisconsin Extension Service journal that the most effective control for Frogeye Leaf Spot is avoidance. That made sense to her. It worked for lots of things. Love and romance were sort of like Frogeye Leaf Spot. And despite her best friend's wishes, she had no interest in putting the "fun" in fungal-fruiting bodies.

Seed words: hobby, work, fun, colorful, many, trips, wishes, love, friends, original

These words were provided by Bishtar. (OK, it was my mom.)

2nd Most Successful Mammal

Jimmy had the blues. He felt as though he had settled to the bottom of life's handbag and been forgotten. He read somewhere that mice are the second most successful mammals living today, after humans. Great. That was like saying that werewolves are the second most successful mythical creatures after vampires. Beautiful young girls pack the cinema to see movies about vampires. But no editor was clamoring for a steamy chick-lit series about werewolves. He felt like his success as a mammal must come in somewhere below the Lesser Stick Nest rat, which had passed into extinction in Australia in 1933.

But instead of running away to join a kibbutz, or some crazy caravan retracing the old Silk Road routes, he decided to nut up and feel good about himself. So he grabbed his flashlight and climbed up to peer into the corners of his attic looking for hope. Granted, it was hard to see anything up there, what with all the baggage and back issues he had stashed. But there must be something. It turned out there was. Wrapped in a handkerchief, he found a blue ribbon from his state solo and ensemble high school band competition. He and three other guys had placed first with their saxophone quartet. Ha! Not second... first.

While this search was a bit like picking apples in an orange grove, Jimmy pinned the ribbon to his shirt with pride. Eat that, humans and vampires!

Seed words: mice, vampire, caravan, handkerchief, handbag, apple, editor, nut, flashlight, cinema

These words were generated using the random word generator found on infinn.com.

This is a Red Flag

The streetlight is out in front of our house again. I'm concerned because twelve tires have been slashed on our street in the past two months. And I found a bunch of Fruit Stripe gum wrappers in the front yard a couple days ago. This is a red flag to me. It's like if I found a "serviette" in the front yard. I'd have nightmares of a Canadian crouching in my bushes with a sack of crullers, politely wiping his mouth and preparing to pounce on my unsuspecting steel-belted radials. My wife thinks I'm nuttier than the Queen of the Pecan Festival, but it's my job to protect the family.

I also saw a guy with a thick handle-bar moustache walking slowly up our street last week. He looked like the type of guy you might see playing the recorder in a gypsy caravan, if you catch my meaning. Definitely not from around here. He was carrying a leash, but I didn't see a dog anywhere. And he was carrying an old Underwood Five typewriter, but he didn't look like a cub reporter. The whole thing was sort of like a kangaroo with a calculator -- it didn't quite add up.

I just don't want to get caught napping, like when the Avro Canada C102 was beaten into the air by only 13 days by the de Havilland Comet, thereby becoming the second jetliner in the world. I bet Avro Canada didn't see that coming.

Seed words: queen, streetlight, serviette, wrapper, kangaroo, typewriter, jetliner, flag, moustache, recorder

These words were generated using the random-word generator found on brainstorming.co.uk.

One More Run At It

Gene watched as the fat kid hit the tackling dummy again. Actually, it looked more like the dummy hit the kid. "I like this boy's attitude," Gene said to the head coach. "He picks himself up and composes himself for one more run at it." The coach remarked that he had never seen anything "so completely, fundamentally unsound" in his life.

"What's your name?" Gene called out to the kid, who was rounding the track for his last after-practice lap. "Eddie Hodgkins," the kid gasped as he collapsed in a heap on the infield.

"Can I interest you in something that more appropriately marries your determination and your capabilities?"

"I'm a football player, sir," puffed Eddie. "Hodgkins men have been knocking the stuffing out of quarterbacks since fish learned to swim."

"Son, you wouldn't have any less chance of catching a quarterback if you had a wooden leg. Whadaya say you come out for Quiz Bowl?"

"With all due respect, my daddy'd sooner be flushing one of his big, steamy turds down your Quiz Bowl, sir."

"C'mon, your daddy'd be proud."

"My daddy was driving tanks in Desert Storm when my momma was carryin' me. He was All County here in '85 -- Fast Eddie Hodgkins? I'm a football player, sir."

"Eddie, I need you son. There's a good chance that I won't be around next year and I'd really like to knock the stuffing out of those sonsabitches from East End while I still got a chance."

Seed words: tackling, fundamentally, rounding, composes, marries, stuffing, swim, tanks, flushing, leg

These words were generated using the random-word generator found on zokutu.co.uk.

Baby Talk

Susan was childless because she couldn't stand baby talk. She loved children, but the moronic way adults talk to them gave her pause. For years, she'd watched her girlfriends breeding like shad, these little herring-like fish she'd seen on the Discovery Channel that migrate from salt water to fresh water in order to spawn, only to end up as food for other fish. She yearned to conceive a child, to abandon herself to the musky cocktail of estrogen and testosterone that would eventually fill her with joy. But if so much as a warning shot was fired across her bowsprit, she was paralyzed by the echoes of "kootchy-kootchy-coo" careening around her memory. She had her pride.

Now she sat fingering the gift certificate. The only thing this was to certify was that Rob had intentions. She couldn't very well refuse his present -- he was sitting right there. And he'd ordered after-dinner liqueurs. Really? Grand Marnier and a chocolate souffle to share? Clear intentions. He reached across the table for her hand, and she let him. He studied her face as if trying to know her in a way that she'd never been known. She looked away when she overheard a woman on a cell phone obviously talking to a child. "Howza bebe? Izums tie-uhd? Aw, poor widda shugah bum." The familiar bristle creeped up the back of her neck.

But a smile broke across her face as she looked back at Rob. And the oral contraceptives in her medicine cabinet suddenly seemed poisonous.

Seed words: baby talk, liqueur, studied, gift certificate, bowsprit, pause, shad, testosterone, certify, poisonous

These words were generated using the random-word generator found on coyotecult.com.

Talented

You don't have to be talented to shoplift, but you do need to have balls. A couple friends and I got started back in junior high, hitting Perkins Apothecary regularly. We'd cut through the store on our way home from school and crotch a Watchamacallit or $100,000 Bar as we passed by the candy racks. I wouldn't say I progressed from there, as much as I regressed to a toddler mentality in which everything was mine for the taking. As the targets got more challenging our approach developed a metrical precision. There was a rhythm to creating a diversion while the other guy shoved a couple bottles of pop into his gym bag. But I quit and took up smoking when I turned 18.

I wasn't proud that my son was taking after his old man, but I had forfeited my right to judge back in the alley amidst the trash cans with my plunder. I walked in on the little bugger enjoying a feast of jumbo Snickers and a king-size Kit Kat. I stared him down under the sterile florescent hallway light and forced him to delineate his crimes. I was shocked at how he had independently assimilated a quite thorough mastery of the quick hit.

I was not capable of protecting the boy from his baser instincts. I suppose as a result of my failure to discipline him, I had reauthorized my own inner miscreant.

Seed words: talented, regress, metrical, delineate, reauthorize, feast, forfeited, amidst, protecting, independently

These words were generated using the random-word generator on watchout4snakes.com.

The Dancing Made Him Sad

Pancakes was making his usual rounds of the parks, watching summer turn to fall. His mother had given him his name not believing that he would survive. He was eight weeks premature and she thought his eyes looked "just as big as pancakes" when she first laid eyes on him. He paused to watch some boys playing football (the kind you actually play with your feet). He allowed himself a lugubrious moment, imagining the childhood he never had.

He sipped his coffee and listened to his head pound. Too many ales the previous evening. The opening band had been a bit odd. The White Russians -- two Belgian guys, one on drums and the other on guitar, wearing red leather trousers and wife-beaters. They seemed to be missing the point. Or were they? It may not have been art, but it certainly wasn't literature.

Music helped him survive; his body drew power from its energy. Listening to wild, angry boys playing guitar was like weight-lifting to him. He could feel the sinews of his muscles tingle with each power chord. But the dancing made him sad; he could only move that way in his head. Staying motivated was important. By keeping active he could almost will the blood to travel through his veins.

Seed words: pancakes, summer, fall, football, coffee, ale, White Russians, art & literature, wild angry boys, weight-lifting, dancing, staying motivated, keeping active

and now for something completely different...

If you've read this blog before and you're expecting to find my deep thoughts about CD jukeboxes and digital media... fear not! Those deep thoughts continue to flow on my company Web site, encosystems.net. We've got a slick new WordPress blog there called The Industry Insider featuring even more and deeper thoughts about the jukebox marketplace. Go there.

As for this space, I'm taking it in a new direction. Since my first love, and my only real talent, is writing -- I'm going to write. I'm going to offer up some original short fiction of less than 250 words that incorporates approximately 10 randomly generated words. Today's other post, "The Dancing Made Him Sad," is an example of the form. I got that list of words from some random chicks' list on Myspace of the things she likes. Feel free to leave a comment with 10 or so words you'd like to see incorporated into a vignette. I will send you some words if you want to try it out too.

I guarantee this will get interesting...